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標題: Post jokes you like [打印本頁]

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-05-22 13:44
標題: Post jokes you like
I will start:

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

(source: reddit)

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-05-23 11:32
New one:

We all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9, but why did 7 8 9?

Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-05-24 14:40
本帖最後由 gamelover 於 2019-06-27 12:54 編輯

Now one of the famous "walks into a bar" joke.

A man walks into a bar

The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the old man turns to the man and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."

He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."

"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."

"But ya fuck one goat..."

作者: 澹台月影 時間: 2019-05-25 10:17
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-05-25 12:55
DC joke:

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-05-31 12:22
Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"Pope Francis," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-06-10 07:16
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks
"Are you fucking sorry?"

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-06-18 13:02
An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.

The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.

Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-06-25 14:39
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

... and I don’t try to run mine.

作者: heipo 時間: 2019-07-01 04:13
Two windmills are in a field.

One windmill says to the other, “What type of music do you like?”

The other windmill replies, “Well I’m a big metal fan”

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-07-03 13:20
One day Canada will rule the world, and then everyone will be sorry.

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-07-09 13:24
本帖最後由 gamelover 於 2019-07-09 13:27 編輯

I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything."

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-07-10 12:24
Why did the slave go to college?

So he could pickup his Master's degree.

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-07-16 13:28
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night

Oof

Your joke just took away 40% of my laugh!

ugh

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-07-22 14:37
A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

"Have you any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That’ll do, I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn’t have any."
"Any what?"
"Yes please!"

作者: tabor 時間: 2019-07-23 23:12
that sounds great，i can't say anything anymore

作者: leslegend 時間: 2019-07-26 19:46
I cant get the jokes you posted,cuz I am not a native speaker.

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-07-29 06:55
本帖最後由 gamelover 於 2019-07-29 06:58 編輯

leslegend 發表於 2019-07-26 19:46
I cant get the jokes you posted,cuz I am not a native speaker.

Most of them are dad jokes, so puns intended.

Let me know the ones you dont understand and I will explain. It will kill the joke, but you can get the others that way.

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-07-29 06:56
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-08-03 11:13
I was going to make a fat joke

It didn't work out.

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-08-07 12:05
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-08-09 12:55
I asked my wife why she married me.

She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-08-19 07:55
A woman goes to a doctor and says

"I have a problem, my husband wants to have anal sex."

The doctor says, "well does it hurt?".

"No..." she replied.

"Well, as long as you are careful to not get pregnant, you should be fine."

"Pregnant?", she exclaims, "I didn't know you could get pregnant from anal sex."

"Sure," replies the doctor. "Where do you think lawyers come from."

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-08-21 12:08
My teacher said that two positives can't make a negative.

Yeah right

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-08-30 13:26
I would never cheat in a relationship,

because that would require two people to find me attractive.

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-09-04 12:27
What's the difference between EA and North Korea?

North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as EA

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-09-09 03:39
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

作者: gamelover 時間: 2019-09-16 06:39
What is 50% of Canada?

The letter A

作者: lazykit 時間: 2019-09-23 01:50
Why are frogs always so happy? They eat what ever bugs them

作者: Sukisaki 時間: 2019-10-05 00:30
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me, it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

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